I want to be the one who gets to change her last name someday, to something that sounds more like yours.

"Someday falling in love with you
Holding your hand
Making our plans all come true
Someday under a sky so blue
I’ll give you my heart
Our story will start
Someday soon

Yeah I’ll be telling you I love you
On a picture perfect day
And those words inside my head
They sound like angels singing praise
It’s what I was made to say"




I love you.

GAHAAHAHAHAH

so frustrated.
still.
and now i'm worried.
and it's bottling up.
i feel like screaming and crying.
not like it would make anything better, really.
I just need a release.

Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone.

Please.
I don't know why I am posting a blog.
I really don't have anything to say.
Maybe I just want to feel that rush of my fingers on a keyboard, or have the sound of the tapping drown out my thoughts as I fall victim to the drone of staring into the computer screen, letting the trance engulf my very being.
Or maybe I just wanted to be dramatic for a second there. It seemed to work out.. well?
Some random facts:
I want a pomegranate.
I would like to dance.
I'm worried about you still.
I enjoy your company.
And your family's.


I've been waiting, all there is left to do is run.

LAST DAY OF FIFTEEN<3

Bye-bye fifteen.

I don't think that being sixteen when I wake up will make too much of a difference, but it seems like a good enough chance to have a mental clean slate. I'm.. cheery, I suppose is a good word for it. Hopefully, I'm saying a complete goodbye to the awkward stage after this, but most likely not. It is okay, though. The awkward, yet funny, moments in my life are among the most cherished. Also, for the record, my mom was going to allow me to miss school tomorrow, but I am going of my own accord. Even though I will have to sit through Hale, Spanish, Alg2Trig, and Chemistry, somehow it is worth it.

Secondly, I feel the need to say I will always be proud of you. No matter how you mess up. Whether it's in soccer or in life. Because I love you, and I am proud to call you mine.


Hello sixteen.

the choices you make show who you are, and who your heart beats for

I love this song.
I first heard it on the Jon & Kate Plus 8 final episode, so it is very sad to listen to, but I feel the message rings clear and true for everyone.

I'll keep it short today, because I don't feel much of importance has physically passed recently. It has mostly been mental mumbo jumbo, so I will keep that to myself until a more clear picture makes itself known.

I hope you all had a happy Thanksgiving. Mine was full of food and stories about my mom and brother's antics as young ones. They were much more violent than I am.

More later?

Better Days

I see better days ahead.



More later on this week.

Oh, and I love you.

Our World (More Beautiful)

So, I decided to write a song because I had not done so in what felt like centuries to an aspiring songwriter. Or not a great songwriter.
It's kind of how I feel as of now. The tone has an emptiness to it when I read the words, almost like it needs someone else to fill in the gaps. I suppose that's the point.

Anyway, here it is.

Our World (More Beautiful)

Fields full of flowers,
Spring is in the air
New life blooms all around me
I just wish you could be there
I hear honeybees buzzing,
and still flinch like a child
Planting in the garden,
I think I'll lay there for awhile
and I can't help the feeling something is missing
I'd have so much to tell you, if only you were listening

I'm trying to see the beauty in everything around me
but all I see is you
and then those memories surround me
the world may look the same
but there is a hole in my heart
because when you were in my life
the world was much more beautiful

The days get even warmer
the perfect place to be
I can see the sun tan my skin
I can see it in your hair
as the waves crash around my feet,
and I walk down the shore,
I'm wishing your hand would take mine
like so many times before

I'm trying to see the beauty in everything around me
but all I see is you
and then those memories surround me
the world may look the same
but there is a hole in my heart
because when you were in my life
the world was much more beautiful

Summer comes to an end
and the leaves begin to fall
there is a certain magic that begins
makes you feel like you have it all
bring out the coats and the scarves
even though you're always warm
the birds all fly away
sometimes I wish I could too
maybe I'd be able to escape
all the memories of you

I'm trying to see the beauty in everything around me
but all I see is you
and then those memories surround me
the world may look the same
but there is a hole in my heart
because when you were in my life
the world was much more beautiful

A layer of ice covers everything
the entire world is glistening
the bright city looks the same
yet still something is missing
I still can seee that twinkle in your eye
always there during your favorite season
other people may come and go
but still none but you astound me
I feel the cold and then I remember
I want your arms around me

I'm trying to see the beauty in everything around me
but all I see is you
and then those memories surround me
the world may look the same
but there is a hole in my heart
because when you were in my life
the world was much more beautiful

And though it may never be the same, our world was much more beautiful.

It's my turn to be brave.

Today I looked through a lot of old photos. It's funny how fleeting our knowledge of our former selves are.

So, I've been thinking through a lot of songs. Most of the lyrics that I think of myself can never accurately describe how I feel, but a lot of songs I have thought of bring glimpses of my emotions fourth. I'll just list some clips here.. If the lyrics are wrong, it's purposeful. Sometimes you hear a song different than the actual words for a reason.

"I might still cry, and I might still bleed. This thorn in my side. This heart of my sleeve. Lightning may strike the ground at my feet. I still believe. This is the moment I stand here on my own, with everything I have inside, everything I own. I might be afraid, but it's my turn to be brave. This is the last chance before we say goodbye. This is the first day of the rest of my life."

"When I left I wanted you to chase after me. I said leave, but baby all I want is you to stand outside my window throwing pebbles screaming I'm in love with you."

"When I'm with him, I am thinking of you. Thinking of you, what you would do if you were the one who was spending the night. I wish that I was looking into your eyes."

"I'm leaving you. Not sure if that's what I should do. It hurts so bad. I'm wanting you but I can't go back. I'm trying to find that all elusive piece of mind. I'm stuck here somehow shrouded beneath my fears, and I don't need it. I'm walking down this road alone and I figured all I'm thinking about is you, my love. My head is in a cloud of rain, and my world, it seems so far away. I'm just waiting for the droplets."

"You left a mark. I wear it proudly on my chest above my heart to remind me that I feel the best when I'm with you. To me everything is effortless. You know it's true, my eyes are painted with regret. And I don't need it."

"I was so wrong for so long, only trying to please myself. I was caught up in his lust when I really didn't want anyone else. I know I should have treated you better, but me and you were meant to last forever. So let me in and give me another chance to really be your woman."

"I packed my bags, kissed your cheek, and turned around so I didn't see you cry. Sometimes you just can't explain the reasons why you have to say goodbye. It took stumbling, it took falling, it took distance, it took time. It took a lot of getting lost to realize I was already home, right where I was supposed to be, and you were right in front of me, and I was not alone. I was already home. Sometimes you're too close to see the one thing that you really need has been there all along. It took leaving you to know I was already home."

All for now. More later.

don't forget to remember me.

i want this.
http://www1.fredflare.com/customer/product.php?productid=3367&cat=283&page=1

it would be actually something cute to get from someone.
no one to give it to me currently, but still.
guys, use it for your girls?
haha, i don't know.

it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone.

I was there when you said forever and always.

So today I am in two forms of pain.
Physical and mental.
You probably think I'm weak from succumbing to the mental pain and crying.
But I don't cry for just anything, and it's usually not when I'm sad.
I'm frustrated, and that's when the tears tend to roll.
I'm frustrated with you and your 'games'.
And I only use that word because you said it.
However, I don't want to talk about this anymore.
I hate crying in front of people. I try to suck it up.
I guess that's something I'm getting better at.
Holding emotion in, I mean.

Though, it isn't something I wanted to happen.
Thanks for the adjustment I didn't want.
But I have no choice but to, or to weather the constant 'are you okay's?'
OF COURSE I AM NOT OKAY.
I don't look okay, therefore I am obviously not fine.

Whatever, I'm sucking it up.
So what if I'm bitter?
It comes with the package of me growing up and getting over things.
Though I don't see how it could be the same after this.
Ever.

I'm willing to try still, but I've lost everything I had for me, pushing me forward.
Yet I'm still trying.
Seems hopeless. Perilous and wasteful for me, even.
Heck, I never listened to anyone anyway.
Here's to doing my own thing.
Which, in fact, is incredibly lonely, in case you care.
I doubt you do.
I doubt you care I'm even posting this.
Or you think it's childish.
But this is what I want to do.
I see everyone who is happy now, and I think that it can't possibly be so.
Hopefully this phase of blatant cynicism for life will pass.
I don't have anyone to talk to anymore but you, blog.

On to other aspects of today before I bash in the computer.

I had to get three shots, as well as the up the nose h1n1, which I pray will not make me sick. I don't need that on top of everything else.
My arms kill.

By the way, today is TWLOHA day. So, write love on your arms to show all those ex-cutters you care. Show me you care.


I don't know what else to say that won't sound like I'm mentally ill, crazy, cynical, ashamed, or confused, so I will just end this with a not so grand huzzah.

i heard the song 'you belong with me' a total of four times today on the radio.

Today made me realize how i still have some people to make me feel worthwhile.
Today someone helped me justify my existence.
Thank you.
Thank you for showing me I'm not that bad of a person.
Thank you for knowing that I'm bleeding empathy, but don't know how to show it.
Thank you for seeing that my guard was up more than ever before.
Thank you for telling me not to worry so much, and that everything will be okay.
Thank you for getting ice cream, the food I didn't know I needed so much.
Thank you for dancing like no one was watching.
Thank you for letting me have fun, even though I didn't think I could.
Thank you, big brother.

i've been keeping to myself lately

sharing my information with people is not something i'm currently interested in

12386, ty.

"12386.) You are one of the people I love most in the world; I am one of the people you love most in the world; though you are the one person who can make me hate myself this much."

Number 12386, you hit the nail right on the head.
It makes me feel a little more relieved when there's a chance someone feels the same way you do out there.
It makes you feel a little less alone at the end of the day.
Though I am not alone.
Far from it.
But isolation comes in different forms.
And sometimes you just need a hand to hold.

randombecauseifeltlikeit.

Since I'm watching a travel channel, and thinking about things I want to do in my life.
And, I feel I have a few new ideas to redo/add to a list of things that I have to do sometime before I die, and preferably while I am still young. :P
1. See Paris, France!
2. Go to a street artist and get a sketch done that I will cherish forever, preferably with the guy I love.
3. Learn to paint.
4. Dance in the streets in the middle of a downpour.
5. Actually have the happy Taylor Swift songs come true.
6. GO TO A TS CONCERT!
7. Kiss atop the Eiffel Tower. (After I took stairs all the way up to the top (;)

As you can tell, I am watching a show about Paris, France. And I'm always thinking about Taylor Swift!

jump then fallll

to actually TRY is refreshing.
try it sometime.

oh god,

just put me out of this misery.

100th post. Yay?

Well, I wanted my 100th post to be something special, something that I will remember and look back on fondly for weeks and months into the future. So, I've been waiting and waiting for the right moment to come by that is blog-worthy.

But I'm tired of waiting.
And that refers to more than just the topic of this blog post.

Also, I'm sort of afraid that I was going to mess up this blog post, just like I've messed just about everything else up in my existence on this planet. I've come to terms with that sorry fact, though. Along with the fact that I think nothing of myself, yet I have the highest expectations in the world. How that works out I'll never really understand, no matter how much people try to console me and say that just about everyone else feels like this. But not everyone can feel like this. Not everyone can walk around everyday on the verge of a nervous breakdown just feeling like you're worth crap. Sure, I have friends. But I still feel empty, even after all this. I feel like I don't belong, and that disease is incurable. I've tried to make myself fit in, but something is always just a little off. Someone is always better, and I guess I just have to learn to deal with that. I mean, this IS life, after all. The thing is, I don't want to deal. And wanting it your way is a terrible way to lead your life, sure, but I can't help but want things to go a certain way. I have said it before, and I will say it again. I micromanage, I talk too much, I don't think before I act, sometimes I think too much and never act, I'm not perfect, and I hate it. All I want is someone to be there. THE someone to be there. Some outstanding people are backing me up until that day comes again.

I am falling apart on the inside. My facade is weakening with every blow.

two is better than one.

LOVE this song. Not just because it's Taylor Swift and Boys Like Girls, but because it's how I feel.

I'm gonna keep it short today, I just wanted to put this up there so that everyone listens to this song. (:

warning: do not read if you are afraid of the word love

I've had such an overactive imagination lately.

I guess it is like that because nothing is clear anymore. Which is both annoying for me, yet refreshing for my subconscious at the same time.

So this is my 97th post, which is an awesome number. Like 9/7. Another fantastic number.

Speaking of those numbers, I don't get to see you often anymore. It makes me more sad than I will ever really be able to express. Especially when I'm around you. I hear that absence makes the heart grow more fond. That it will strengthen us if we can go around this scheduling conflict that only allows us about twenty minutes a day to just talk and be us. I miss all the time we were able to spend together last year. But we will make it through, I just know it. There have already been tons of events between us that could have wedged a gap in between us, that could have made sure that the stars would never align for us. Somehow, we've stayed strong. I don't second guess your ability to stay strong and stick to what you want, but guess about mine all the time. It's hard for me to decide something, let alone stick with it for any large amount of time before I dabble in something else and get pulled in another direction. I don't know how you've kept me by you for so long. Whatever it is, don't stop doing it.

I love you. That's my favorite sentence, so simple, yet so complex. I hardly get to say it as often as I'd like, but when I do, I love that sentence all the more. Especially when it is reciprocated by you. How terrible it would be to think some people feel this way for others when they don't feel the same way back. I know it would tear me to pieces. And I know this is just another of the millions of reasons that I love you. I love how you're always there for me. I love how you're flustered and don't know what to say. I love how you tell me you only smile genuinely when you're thinking of me. I love your smile in general. I love the way you look at me with concern when I need someone to talk to. I love how our hands fit perfectly together, and how we each move to fix it when our hands aren't the 'right' way. I love how we both have our borderline OCD antics. I love it when you play with my hair. I love when you play with my hands, too. I love your kisses. I love how I feel so safe in your arms. I love how you're protective of me, it shows me you care. I love how you smell, and how you like how I do. I love how you're able to stay so strong. I love that you're so passionate about what you do, even when I don't always agree. I wish I could at least have that much fire inside me about something. I love it when you say 'yes dear', amongst other cheesy phrases. I love how you pull me back when I try to walk away. I love dancing with you. I love it when you sing, but then realize I'm listening and you get just a little bit quieter. I love how you're so tolerant of me, even when I couldn't be more wrong. I love stealing your jacket and sleeping in it. I love that you always tell me I am the most beautiful girl. I love that you actually sent me a postcard. I love that you keep the things I write to you because they mean something to you. I love that you were my first just about everything, yet the feelings never evaporated. I love how you'd do embarrassing things with me, if it was really what I wanted. I love that you don't care what people think for my sake. I love how you can still take my breath away, even after two years, and now it's even better. I love how this list could go on forever, like my love for you does. Essentially, I love you.

And thusly, my 97th post goes out to you.

It is hilarious to me...

that my mom tells me "I sound like a little baby" when I told her that "because I said so" isn't a real reason. I really find this funny. It's like she has told herself "because I said so" is the grown up way to say things. Besides, I didn't have that kind of logic when I was younger, because I was afraid when she yelled at me. Now I'm not afraid anymore, and she seems to wish it wasn't so. Parents tell you to stand up for yourself, but then they scream at you to listen to their every order. Haha. If she thinks I will ever blindly do what she wants me to ever again, she has got another thing coming. Sure, I'm a hypocrite sometimes, but at least I think and put a little logic into what I do. But I can't expect someone who only teaches kindergarten to understand that, now can I? Insults don't hurt me, either. I've learned to not care. I don't think she understands what a hurt person I would be if I took all of her yelling to heart. Parents need to straighten out their priorities, or just shut up. This is impossible.

they call her love.

and it's all i need.

I don't know what to say on here anymore. Whatever I have to say usually doesn't belong on a blog online. It belongs in my mind, or better yet, in a conversation between the people it involves. I feel like I've abandoned my blog, so I'll try to put some lighthearted stuff on here. But, you know how me and remembering things goes.

He loves you. Who loves you more to let you go?

I really love The Starting Line.

If the world runs out of lovers, we'll still have each other. <3

Anyways, listening to new music is making me happier than I have been today. I got my schedule, and today was registration. I'm almost.. dissappointed in today I guess. I don't know. I'm not gonna ramble about it on here. If it matters to you, you'll probably hear about it. But I keep forgetting the good things, and it's making me sad. So I'm going to list some of the things that never fail to make my mood lift.

Things that still make me happy:

Taylor Swift

Passion Fruit Tea

a good book

Alexis and Aaden

buying a new dress

a gift I adore

the smell of a new book

the smell of an old book

things that light up when you touch them

people that still hold doors open

postcards

handwritten notes

stealing his jacket

'i love you'

cute compliments

random dancing

mint chocolate chip brownie ice cream

Cake Boss

cowboy boots

finding an oddly symbolic item in your pocket

having a pocket to put things in

hugs

fully devoted attention

writing a good essay

hearing a cute song

Love Story

puppy dog boxers

sitting on the roof

Disneyland

cold nights and warm beds

decisiveness

a sizeable list

puppies and kittens

belting a song you know by heart

an organized mess

rain pattering the roof as you fall asleep

& more...

but that's all i will list for now.

and now for something completely different,

This isn't the kind of thing you'd expect me to post.

And, I suppose, that is the point.

It's a little bit.. er, heavier stuff than I normally post.

It reads like a letter, poem, or song. Whichever you choose.

-unintitled-

Dear God,

I was told that you love me for who I am. I was told that your grace could save the world. I was told that sinning would send you to hell, and I was told You sent your son to die for our sins. I was told to wear this cross to represent Him. I was told to believe in You, Lord. I was told all I knew. I was told.

Where are You, God, where are You?

Dear Father,

They told me You were just a lie. They told me all that's up there is the sky. They told me that all of us had no hope. They told me nothing could ever save our souls. They told me that there was proof against you. They told me my Christianity was just a tool I bought into. They told me I was stupid to believe. They told me all I thought I knew. They told me.

Where are You, now, where are You?

Dear Lord,

I know now that You love me for who I am. I know that Your grace can save our souls. I know that You sent Jesus, your Son, to die for our sins. I know that I wear this cross in remembrance of Him. I know that Heaven is up in that big blue sky. I know that the world is living proof of You. I know I was never stupid to believe. I know my faith is all I will ever need. I know all of this because of You. You told me.

I found you, God, I found you.

----

No matter how small and insignificant this little piece of writing may seem to you, it means the world to me.

Like FML, but for optimists!

http://www.givesmehope.com/
amazing things happen.

life is lookin' up (:
but I still reallllllly miss camp.

i micromanage. get over it. hmaonnntaahna. <--(:

my mom thinks it's okay to tell me to do something, and then get mad when I do it, apparently.
She tells me to plan a bonfire for her friends, but when I suggest things to bring she gets mad at me for 'micromanaging'. She appointed me to the job, right? And I am doing it well. I got on the phone with my mom's best friend, and we talked out everything and got lists going on who has to bring what. Just because I want my mom to SEE what is going to be so much better now that I've actually planned things out, I'm spending a little of my own money on stuff for the beach. Ugh, this better be good. Or I might just impale my mother with a marshmallow roasting spear or something. Haha. It's her birthday tomorrow, her 39th to be exact, and I'm going to play it nice until thursday, on which I will make sure she sees that managing and making lists is in no way an annoying thing. She needs to stop being so darn lazy.

In other news, MJ had his funeral today. It was really emotional, from what I hear. The media is just eating up the fact that his daughter Paris got up there and said something just darling about how her daddy was the best father. I'm not belittling that, no, but I just hate that the media has got to go on replaying it and replaying it constantly. Everyone just loves that. But heck, it's been a slow newsweek anyway. They are showing MJ stuff, and then some random 'kitten stuck in a tree' crud that makes me crack up.

On to today, I did have a great day. I saw Chris for the first time in a while. It was... amazing, but I am not going to say anything more than that. Because that's my personal business. (:

Hannah Montana helped me decide today. For those of you who didn't see the hour long special today, there was the one where she had to choose between this new 'bad boy' guy in her band and Jake, the guy she had been with for awhile, and is pretty much in love with. She realizes that the new guy isn't worth it, and chooses to stay with Jake. It was adorable. She almost tackled him. I'm sure he loved that. A pretty catchy song was in the show, too. The 'He Could Be the One' is so darn adorable! It is now stuck in my head. I actually don't mind it being there too much, surprisingly.

That is about it for now. More later this week (:

She's never gonna love you like I want to.

It is not that there hasn't been anything to talk about lately, but I just haven't had the time to write it. There has been quite a bit going on, though, so I'm going to wrap this up as best as I possibly can.
Tuesday I went to Knotts with Dipali, Isamar, Skinkis, Tyler, Isaac, and Radha. It was interesting, with Isaac getting lost. I almost had to miss him (; Then I stayed at Dipali's house that night. The next day, I woke up and almost bit Dip's elbow. Haha. I had a craving for bumper cars, so we went to Knotts to go on a few rides. Then, we went to BPM/"the swap meet", haha. Well, Dip met up with Radha, and I went to go see Transformers 2 with Devlin, his mom, and brother. On my way out of the theater, I had a chance encounter with someone I just about never get to see in the summer. And that made me happy, but left me very--->confused? I don't even know. Dipali stayed at my house Wednesday night and Thursday night, and on Friday we went to the beach. After my mom driving us around for two hours, stopping for burritos, picking up Haley, and stopping at Smart and Final to get plates, cups, forks, and napkins, we finally got to the beach. It was an interesting time there, Ms. Morrissey was hilarious, as always. And Devlin knew Shahid and Isaac H from soccer--who knew he played soccer? Haha. That was about it for the last few days.

Now is the time I am normally extremely cryptic about something, but I think I will save that until a time where I even have the faintest idea about what is going on in my mind. I thought I was over this kind of thing, but, I'm changing. I can already tell.

"but you see right through me, if you only knew me, we could be a beautiful, miracle, unbelievable, instead of just invisible."

i gots me a gecko

named ed!
(:

writing in yearbooks makes me remember. i kind of like it.

i will say more this weekend.
i gotta go pick out my free dress outfit.

edgar was white?!?!

I shall cry if my cluster gets split:
Isaac: "We were all good kids before Eastridge's cluster. Edgar used to be white!"
Haha(:

Now, on to heavier things...
I'm sorry that I've never really made any attempt to have a conversation with you, it's just that I seem to mess up every time that I try to say anything. I've thought about this enough, and time is running out. I mean, in the big scale of life it isn't, but in this time frame it is. I'm afraid it will go on like this forever if I don't step out of my comfort zone a little bit and just say what I want to. From what I hear, read, and so on, you're quite a bit like me, so I don't see how it could be that hard, but it just is. Every single time I find a way to flub, mess up, trip over my words, act like a dork, whatever, call it what you want. But I just want to find a way to make it okay. I've decided that I've got to get a little courage once in awhile. Seriously, I can't expect everything to happen for me. Plus, I don't want to be known as 'that girl I don't really know' for very long, considering I went through that entirely in elementary school as 'the teacher's kid'. I want people to know who I am now. That's the difference. Before, I couldn't have cared less. I'm done trying to pretend I couldn't care less, I'm on to caring. Now that's decided, what next?

I'm more than:
-that teacher's kid
-a slutbag (now, really?)
-a person who talks to much
-someone who doesn't talk at all
-an over judgemental freak
-a freak (although that makes a good majority)
-y.l.b.g.
^That, my dears, is for me to know, and you... well, you'll see.

This came to mind quickly, so I just wrote. Now I'm going to sleep, another show day tomorrow!

ahahahah.

man, online gaming is addicting.
it's almost the end of the year, but there is still time to ruin my grades.
ahhh.
someone call the online gamers helpline (;

just a small town girl, living in a looooonley world

haha that song was stuck in my head today.
not the terrible ahh unlucky song ><

okay, well today was a terrific improvement upon my week, i must say.
let's hope it continues like this, and nothing else goes wrong.

i'll probably manage to screw something else royally up, but hey, at least i'm happy.
i have him back. well, not that i ever truly lost him but it felt like it for a few hours there.
i may not watch the 'you belong with me' music video in peace.

omg j&k+8 drama ahhh!
it makes me sad.
i actually cried at that show yesterday.
i hope they do what's best.

sooo many new couples these last few weeks!
it's hard to keep track of you guys now.
what is it about the end of the year that somehow sparks new like in people?
i mean, you guys! it's almost summer.
you should keep your options open for that 'hottie mc hottie' that's going to come knocking on your door veeery soon (;
well, besides me, of course. i'm good. great, actually.


i've got myself back again ---> (:

p.s. anyone want to take the midnight train going anywhere?

make it go away.

so i never thought a taylor swift song would make me break down and sob.
but theres a first time for everything.
i get off the phone,
my legs collapse under me,
and i don't know what the hell to do.
so i put on a pretty outfit.
and all i do is see my face in the mirror and not care. about anything.
'you belong with me'
tells both my story and another one intertwined.
i cant stop this.
i somehow 'saw' this coming.
it's not like i could help it.
and, for the first time, now that i'm mad i don't want to punch anyone.
i want to take it out on myself.
it's the feeling when you hear something and the first thing that comes to mind is 'how the heck did i manage to eff this up? HOW?!'

it's all my fault.
it's all my fault.
it's all my fault.

or it feels like it is, now.
well, crime and punishment i suppose.

i've tried to be nice so many times in the past few weeks, and all it has ever come back to do is bite me. I keep telling myself that this is God testing my faith or something.

i just want to close my eyes and make it go away.
i just want to fall asleep and wake up yesterday.
i just want to run to you like we were never through and you would say to me what you'd always say.

please, make it go away.


i have so much to say, and yet nothing at all.
i am so thankful for those of you who care enough to put up with my endless ranting about nothing that is even discernible speech.

lose. your shoes?

haha, dipali forgot the words to footlose.
i love her XD

that's basically all i had to say.
uhm, yep.
oh, and i watched the baseball game today.
freakish quotes of the day:
"i love me some baseball."- me
"OMG francesca woodsman. ewwww!"- me and francesca.
"you know how sometimes you link a word to a picture. yeah, well, when i think of 'vida' i kind of think about your garage door."- me to ali.
"well, i'm leaving in two minutes, so the jokes on you"- evan about the ump possibly kicking him out.

this makes me sad/i'm a complete retard

http://www.ocregister.com/articles/school-state-layoff-2388121-budget-year

Layoffs for the next year (well the 80 or so relased ones) are contained here. The only OA teacher on that list? Mr. Hauge. Maaan, I hope not. I don't know who else there is to have a bag of ice handy when I bruise my joints and my other various minor injuries.

Speaking of which, today I was bouncing on one of those exercise ball things, and I leaned forward toward the computer. Something sharp cut it, and all of a sudden I hit the bedframe and then the floor. My tailbone is bruised as heck, and it hurts to move. So I'm avoiding that when it is all possible. I really hope it feels better tomorrow, or I'm going to have to walk around all day with a pain in my ass. Literally. (And I'm not talking about Ali (;)

asdfghjkl;

Okay, so i know that sometimes PETA does go a little overboard, but...this video does bring up some good points about dissection. I am not for it or against it, but this is sad.
http://www.peta2.com/feat/classroomcutups/?c=11


I might post more later, but I'm not sure yet.

I'm sorry but I forgot...

...to wish you a happy 20th month<3

gv-ge-yu-hi, u-na-li-go-di (:

nonsensible rambling.

There is really nothing that I have to say currently in the blog, but I just felt the need to post since I have not in awhile. Okay? Good.

Well, my brothers are sleeping at my grandma's tonight, so it's just me and my parents.
I don't think I'd really like to be an only child, just me and my parents here is kind of getting on my nerves a little bit, plus, I miss the carefree aura that surrounds me when I'm playing around with my brothers. Those guys are the greatest. Sure, they do get my pretty angry and make me want to hit them, but, through all that, I would miss them so much if they weren't around. Feel free to borrow them when they get on my nerves, though. But you don't get to keep them.

So I have decided that all my little brother, Koby, thinks about is BASEBALL. I mean, I had my suspicions before but now I am very sure. He got new catcher's gear the other day, too. He's a pitcher, first baseman, and a catcher. He sits around playing baseball video games all the time, and on the old Playstation 2 we have in the car. Everyday when I get home he asks me if I want to go play catch/pitch to him and whatnot, and then afterwards he watches baseball on TV. I swear if I looked in on him at night, he'd be sleeping while cuddling with his baseball glove or baseball.

My mom and other brother, Payne, went to the zoo today. I'm almost jealous. Well, it's mostly because they got to see owls (my newly dubbed favorite animal, with monkeys coming in at a close second).

Speaking of more baseball related things, softball season is almost over! AHH, I'm really going to miss it, I must say. Last game is on Friday, and it is vs. Valley Christian. I hope we do well. The banquet is going to be fun.

And on a totally unrelated subject (that is technically always related), I learn new things everyday. Still. After 20 months (tomorrow!), it's funny that there is still more to know. But I guess that everyone is always changing. Besides, it does liven things up to not have everything the same. I'll elaborate more tomorrow.

Well, I'm going to bring this to a close before I ramble some more. Thanks for reading this if you did. Or maybe you just skimmed it, but hey, at least you care.

pull me down hard, and drown me in love.

Something about the song "Come on Get Higher" makes me happy.
It's catchy, cute, and... well, it makes me think of you.

(:
Then again, everything does nowadays.



Some people ask me if I'm bored with how life is for me right now, and I don't see why they would ever think such a thing. There are always new things to try and do, some even right under your nose. You just have to look down instead of being stuck up.

I love being in love. It is the most amazing feeling that I can ever possibly come across in life. The feeling of existing in the prescence of the person you wholeheartedly trust, and would do anything for is the most amazing experience that will ever exist. When that feeling comes mutually, it's all magic from there. I do question one thing: Why this young? Why is it that now, so few years into my life, do I find the person that feels like the one I would want to love for the rest of my life?

I question it, and then I remember how it makes me feel. How empty of a person I was before he came into my life. How much I love every minute of my time that I get to spend with him, whether it is spent having a serious conversation, or just that moment when your eyes meet in passing, and you catch a quick smile before shuffling off to wherever you need to be. I'm not who I used to be, no. If you liked the girl I was before Chris, then fine. But she didn't like herself. I feel like he makes me love not only him, but who I am too. It's crazy.

Well, I'm crazy, so what else do you expect?

I didn't really pay much attention into what I put into this post, I just thought that I would add to this before days slipped away and I forgot. I tend to just type whatever passes through my mind at the moment, but that's usually the clearest cut points, anyway.

You know,

You taught me what love is.
Now promise to never ever let me forget.

enlightening.

so i just finished The DaVinci Code. It was quite a good book, actually. Have I ever mentioned how much I love reading historical fiction? It's so enthralling to get a different perspective into the past, no matter what the side is or where it came from. This book provides an interesting look at Mary Magdalene and Jesus in the Bible, and I find it to be interesting, considering the Church plays off Mary M to look like a prostitute. Well, I'm not too informed on this here, but all I know is that the Catholic Church has gotten into some pretty nasty hiding-and-covering things up trouble. I'm not trying to stir anything up here about me, but I did enjoy reading the book. So kids, enlighten yourselves.

Now, I'm back to my addictive House of Night series, with all it's sexual action, vampires, crazy mind powers and such. I made myself finish my other book before i could pick up the third House of Night book, though, for fear of my brain melting into some kind of unintelligable sludge.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I should be off to study a little bit for my Night test, and then, eventually, going to sleep. I think I am going to listen to some music first, or something of that sort. I haven't stopped to listen to some in awhile, and I'm starting to feel a hole wearing in the hypothetical ozone layer of my heart without my music.

By the way, my dog smells terrible. Just because he's getting old doesn't give him a reason to loaf around and let himself go. It's making me lightheaded just sitting here. All of my attempts to get him out of the room have failed, considering a toss of one of those rubber balls only succeeds in getting a wary look of boredom, and a stifled yawn. Oh well, I guess I will just have to deal with some of my troubles here.

Before I go, I suppose I will offer up some closing summary of today. I had a very awkward night, and woke up cuddling with a jacket. The school day went by normally, except for Bio, where I found myself in a very poor choice of seating for the subject at hand. My face gets warm, and that is a telltale sign for me that I'm about as red as a beet. Or something of strong red pigmentation, but that's the simile I've always heard it as. I will not discuss the subject, for those who should know, do. It has also come to my attention that I would not be nearly the same person that I am today without my boyfriend, Chris. He's like my literal sunshine on a cloudy day, with the warmth that I feel when I'm with him. I surely wouldn't have bet on having this kind of attachment back at the beginnings of eigth grade, but, now, there is no turning back at all. I wouldn't have it any other way.

I should really start writing my book now, because I've come up with so many great ideas, but none that I can really put down on paper. I'm going to start keeping a diary of ideas for books that pop into my mind, and maybe after awhile I will pick the one that I like best and write some on it. Or, maybe that diary idea will turn into a book in itself.

"Darkness doesn't always equate to evil, just as the light does not always bring good."
That is just about the deepest quote you will find in the House of Night series.
I am chronicling it here for future reference.

I bid adieu to all the other mindless souls droning on in this existence.
^Or just say bye to my friends who read this. That works as well.

l&c. essays. ahhparents!

this is going to sound terribly nerdy,
but..
did you know that the battle of lexington and concord (revolutionary war) was today in 1775?
...i find that verrry awesome.

besides that, all i have left for homework is finishing up the essay for erickson.
which relieves me greatly.

i'm going to my "little cousin's" birthday/filipino party today XD
(^ i swear i did not just make that up, my mom said it.)
speaking of filipino, my dad tried to tell me that i didn't know how to say the word tagalog.
seriously, dad, you're mexican.
at least i have a boyfriend who is half.
and quite a few flip friends.
he needs to realize sometimes i know more than he does about certain things.

like the other day when my brother bought a cute little microscope.
i know how to work one, but when i started messing with it my dad came over and was like,
"Devyn let me do it. I worked with them once for ... and I know what I'm doing more than you."
I can neither confirm nor deny the veracity of that statement, but, really, is that neccessary?
I've looked at numerous things under microscopes before, most of them slides (what i was looking at).

it just... annoys me.
but whatever. apparently i'm stupid.
(and they wonder why i don't like talking with them about things?!)

today is going to be interesting.
see you all later. (:


byyy theee wayyy.
go to artpad.art.com
i used to use that site when i was like, eight.
and i remembered the url randomly and went to it again.
it's fun, really.

beach. 17. tgi's. partying.

haven't been around to write something for a few days, so here's a summary of what i've been up to.
thursday i went to the beach for isaac and jakey's party.
when you walk down the beach and forget about h0w far you walked, you've got a heck of a long walk back is what i found out.
and yesterday i went to see 17 again, TGI fridays, Dip's house, and then Jeremy's not-birthday party (which we sang happy birthday to him at, anyways...).
Tim and Chris were hilarious singing on Rockband. Granted, they almost made my ears fall off, but it was a funny spectacle.
I've also been staying at Ali's house, and I really need to get home now to finish up some homework that I've procrastinated on (especially the erickson essay. ahh).

So, it's been a busy few days, but I really miss school still.
I don't miss the classes, the teachers, and especially not the homework, but I miss you.

See you in a few days;
(:

big picture.

Happiness is a hard thing to come by.
Let's hope this isn't too short-lived.

it's cold. so is my soul.

i am so glad i am home alone right now.
reasons:
1) no one can see me cry
2) no one can hear me scream (save, the neighbors.)

iknewitiknewitiknewit.

i don't know why i am suddenly overcome with a rush of anger, and such a willingness to scream that it sends my pulse up higher than it was right after i ran the 5k last week. Honestly.
Honestly is a word I use all too much in situations such as this.

But honestly, honestly, honestly?

You know, I can't stand it when crap is a certain way, and I know for a fact it shouldn't be, and that I can't change it because a person is too... stuck in their ways and strong opinions to care that maybe i don't really get to be with them all of the time so maybe they should save it for later.





nobody understands anymore.
maybe my cats do.
hell, that will get me farther than any of this crap does.

i want to punch someone.
that would be very releasing.
maybe i'll go to the batting cages and hit some 60 mph balls to release my frustrations.

ihavenowordsatalltogowithwhatiamfeeling.
this sucks. so damn much.
i'll be back later as soon as i can piece my thoughts together.

maybe one day;

i'll actually make a good mommy/wife.
because today i got to stay home alone allllll day when my mom and dad were working and brothers were at school.
so, i took it upon myself to clean a lot, and cook.
i woke up, read for a bit, cleaned my room, took a shower, made breakfast, swept and mopped the floors, cleaned the bathrooms, vacuumed all the rooms, made my parents beds, washed all the dishes, made banana bread(YUMMM!), and made dinner for my family.
i am currently watching my brother, who is playing gears of war, and i can hear him chainsawing people's heads off. brilliant.

wouldn't it be nice if we were older? (;

ahh, well, i figured out my fallback plan for college. now i just need to find my first plan XD
funny how that one worked out.

i finished reading Marked in less than a day.
I'm trying to take it slow with Betrayed, but I'm almost done (even with all the work I did today!).
I'm eating up these books like they are dissappearing.
speaking of eating, i really need to go to the gym.
aah ><

all these Lifetime movies I watch when I am bored are really starting to make me mad.
I mean, really, you have the perfect guy right in front of your face, and you choose to go after the guy-who-has-a-stick-up-there and obviously doesn't want you?!
the world makes me want to impale myself sometimes.

my teddy bear is behaving himself today. (;
& i miss his daddy very much.

i will now ignore how weird the above just sounded, tyvm.

BTW, this is the 69th post. (:

i'm only me when i'm with you.

okay, so i really don't have a reason to be blogging right now,

buuuuuut;

i'm extremely bored.

and scared about how the choir audtions turned out.

and wondering where my boyfriend went...

how can you take so long in the school library.

so i just read the may 2009 issue of 17 magazine.

and it was altogether uninthralling.

maybe it's because i'm really not that interested in all of the superficial stuff going on nowadays.

it just isn't that appealing anymore.

i mean, before i loved all of my name brands, celebrities, and i was on top of them (meaning i knew tons of stuff about what was going on..)

and now, i really don't pay attention to much.

not that i'm going by each day apathetically, but it just is not something that i find to be of significant interest to me now.

before, my every day life consisted of school, homework, watching E, and reading magazines.

kind of funny how you can be superficial one day, and uncaring the next.

i feel like this subject is getting boring, so i will skip to another.

as soon as i think of one.



...

...

...



yeah, i'm coming up a little short.

oh. i just looked down at my magazine and remembered taylor swift.

i said to someone the other day (ali, i believe) that i'm not listening to her as much as i used to.

not that i don't still love her music very much, but it's just that whenever i think of a specific song of hers i find it playing in my head shortly after that.

my favorite song of hers is the title of this blog.
and it describes me well right now.

with lack of else to say, i bid you adieu.

muddy buddies.

are delicious.
i made some, and i fear they will be gone by the time i come back from errands (pharmacy, costco, etc.)
ahh costco is controlling the older generations of my family.
but i sort of like it, so it's okay.
fresh and easy still is better.

now that i've had an awkward discussion about stores and chex mix muddy buddies, i shall be off.
choir show later,
someone text me or something;

idealism.

I can't help but love their family.
Even when Jon and Kate fight, they always resolve it somehow.
Maybe I don't know that I can take care of that many kids, but I want to be like them someday.

Not much has happened recently.
I went to see The Haunting in Conneticutt on Friday.
I was only really scared while I was watching it, so it didn't produce the normal aftershock I get.
Saturday softball won (:
My new favorite book is 11,002 things to be miserable about.
My favorite is unreciporicated oral sex.
The last one is happiness.
The author's blog said that it is two times as likely for you to die in a bike accident than to get an academy award.
You know, just to brighten your day.

Do YOU have one?

identity: (n) the individual characteristics by which a thing or person is recognized or known

It's who you are. What you do. It's even the name of songs, sitcom episodes, and the occasional boutique. Everyone needs one. Wants one. Has one.--- or do they?

In a world filled with the population pulling you in a hundred different directions-- the media, our peers, cultures, etc-- we sure all seem to know what we want to get out of everything. But the fact that we are constantly being pressured to 'be somebody' isn't helping the future generations at all. When one is forced to choose between what they want to do now, and even for the rest of their lives, how are they supposed to know without trying, without seeing? How is a fifteen year old girl like me going to find out how I'm going to make my mark on the world, now, when I haven't explored as many different courses as I possibly can? The real question I am getting at--while spewing a good many other retorical questions, might I add-- is "Who am I?"

Devyn, I don't know.

I know this is something that I am probably never going to figure out, I've got too many sides to my personality, too many parts that I hate, loathe, or maybe even sort of like. I'm pulled in twenty million directions everyday, not knowing what is going to take me where next, worrying about things that aren't going to happen for another few years. Life is a crazy and hectic.

I can't quite put my finger on it, but I know there's things I need to change, work on, figure out.

The facade has got to stop here.
But I don't know if I can part with the things that make me what people think I am--whatever that is. I'm a completely different person now than I was three years ago, back in the days of recess and only one class a day. Now, I'm an extrovert, who, apparently, is destined for a career with a science professional job. And I know that adolescence brings on changes to you mentally, and peer pressure has bent me in a million ways, hurt my pride, and dehydrated almost every drop of my old self, leaving what it wanted me to be.

And, now for the reason I started this post in the first place.

"Do I always get what I want?"
"Yes, Devyn, otherwise you cry and yell until you get your way."
When a person that you trust tells that to you, knowing how much she's right hurts. Because, I don't want to be that girl, the one who tries to step on people's toes until she gets her way. The one who manipulates and canives until she gets what she wants. She's right, though. And everytime something goes a way I don't want it to, that's the first thing I think of. I think of how can I pull this my direction by making [] feel bad, say they're sorry, make them regret it, etc. What's especially bad is that it hurts my relationships more than it helps them. I can't stand myself after these episodes, especially because I feel little to no remorse. "I want what I want. I can't help it. I want it." is what I've caught myself thinking too many times. I'm trying to stop it, for everyone, and for me.


Perplexing, that's what this hullabaloo is.




By the way, I love you.

all things---> bright and beautiful?

i need to write.
now.
this itching feeling to create has been there for a few days.

i finished hot zone questions this weekend.
and then read some more of that gruesome book.
ahhh.
and i've got a serious girl crush on taylor swift.
i idolize that girl.

well, this post had absolutely no meaning.

each weekend gets harder to survive without you, i must say.
<3

go fall over a (softball) fence.

i wish i had something really awesome to write about right now.
i liked francesca's little addition to my blog on monday.
had a softball game today, and it went okay.
apparently, we're all wearing our jerseys tomorrow.
i have to wash mine, it smells like SWEAT.
...and i don't believe you'd like to smell that one.

well, unless you're ali and like to smell people's socks. (;

Well, i've really got nothing else to say here, so I will go before I bore you with some other random detail of my day that you probably don't care about.

HEEEEEELLLLLLLLLOOOOOO

Hi, I'm Francesca and I'm on Devyn's blog.
Yay! I'm bored.
I should be raining on her parade verrrrrrrrry soon.

Mr. Morris is pretty awesome.
I want Devyn's food.

gimmegimmegimme.

I've a feeling of smug contempt.
I hate it so.

Everyone just goes around taking what they have for granted, and thinking that they deserve everything that they have, served to them on a golden platter. I'm not going to be hypocritical about this, because, you know, I do it too. I want everything I want, when I want it. I can't help but be that way, I was raised as such. But it makes me mad to no end when I do it. I'm trying to keep up with this, to say 'thank you' when someone does a favor, or to acknowledge someone who helped me to achieve something. It's not hard, really. It just gets me when people just take without even asking. I mean, I'm not your mother, your maid, or anything of that sort. I'm a person's friend, and all they can do is stick out their hand like they are entitled for me to give something to them. The only exception to this is my best friend, who could have the worst manners in the world, and I'd still love her all the same. Also, my boyfriend, because I've never actually had this problem with him, although I'm not sure about the likewise. Anyways, I don't know what to tell you people anymore. If I come off like I'm arrogant correcting you, I'm sorry. It's just what I feel like some of you guys need to realize now. That everything is not going to be handed to you with a silver lining, that you're going to have to work your way up in life. It's a life skill, politeness--- with all its' little quirks and things you thing are really worthless. It makes the difference in a person. Before I start sounding like the Essential 55, I will end this psycopathic borderline OCD rant.

Change starts here.

hell week;

so, i've had softball AND choir all week.
last night was a show, and waiting around for the closer is enjoyable.
today should be a good day.
not like it hasn't already started, but.. well, the "good" part of it hasn't yet.
i've been meaning to post this for awhile, too.
my favorite part of confessions of a shopaholic--->http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UKT-TuYCso

so, my goal as of soon is to get closer to some people that i've neglected.
and, well, party?
ahah with lack of anything better to say I will say that.

today is a special day.
1 1/2 (:
But there will be much bigger numbers to come, believe me. <3

well, i'm off to finish prepping for the show while watching paula deen!
mmmm food.

what you're looking for has been here the whole time.

i keep forgetting to write.
i face the truth that my blog just isnt THAT important to me.
i really like my journal considering it only gets to intended readers.
but i will probably keep writing here just to fill you in on my very uninteresting life.

well, i had softball today.
i didn't knock the tee over this time, which is good.
and i actually hit them all pretty well.
^which is goooooood.
anyways, katie said shes finally coming to practice tomorrow. sheesh.

i guess there's really nothing else to say here.
i might go to see the talent show tomorrow, if i really feel like it.
but i don't know if i'm going to be in the mood to do anything after practice.

it's a free dress day tomorrow, which automatically makes the day that much better.
mr. anderson said that i can teach the class tomorrow if he isn't there.
[evil laugh]
i fully intend to make the most of that.

choreography tomorrow, tambien.
i'm looking forward to that.
but i realllllly want to know what costumes to buy, considering mr hogan wont tell us.
and my mom hates it when i tell her the weekend before.
but, whatever.
i'm hoping 80s all the way. i can look like my mom when she actually WENT to anaheim high.
hmph.

well, i think i'm about done here.
today i'm not feeling like rambling on about some cryptic problem.
i really don't have any right now.
things are as they should be.

muahahahahahah.

blogger works in hale (:
my life is complete.
francesca is happy too.

today will be a good day.

i'm more than what the grapevine thinks of me.

^ sounds like the name of a country song, right?
well, rochelle p and i have been practicing our accents. haha.
but wrong, it isn't.


and these aren't tears of sadness at all, it's anger now.
i do know who my real friends are.
at least, now i do.

109 in 2009 (check up)

Checking up on my 109 in 2009.

These I have completed (or nearly completed!):
10. start a journal
-i write in it when possible.
13. get chris to dance with me. (;
-that's pretty much self expanitory.
14. donate to charity.
-i did some charity work the other day.
22.straighten my hair once in a while
-i might not like how it looks that much, but it's not too bad.
25. be spontaneous (ongoing).
-i'm still trying random things.
26. find a great way to ask chris to sadies. (:
-muahahahahah.
27. put my trust in someone.
-who else would it be but him?
32. grow up.
-i can if i have to.
33. ...but be childish sometimes.
-but i'd much rather be a dork.
34. love like i never have before.
-it's an ongoing process. i'm working on my trust issues.
41. walk perfectly in killer high heels.
-and i can dance in them, too.
45. go one day without wanting to punch someone in the face.
-i've gone a few.
54. watch the season premiere of SLOTAT.
-kind of disappointing.
63. learn some poledancing moves.
-read a book on it.
64. have a dream that tops my last great one.
-i did have a fantastic one. but it's not going to come true this year.
69. <---that number right there.
-i would suppose it's self explanitory, no?
79. learn La La Land by Demi Lovato!
-who said i can't wear my converse with my dress?
83. appreciate a new style of music.
-classical is actually beautiful.
85. appreciate the best guy that has ever come into my life <3.
-i appreciate him because i know that my life would never be the same without him. and i wouldn't give him up for the world.
92. dance like nobody's watching, or like there's no tomorrow.
-don't i always?
93. perfect my british accent.
-bloody hell, kevin, your britches! (;
94. try a mango.
-not bad.

so those are checked off, now onto the others! (:


this is pretty much my mind right now.

is not a kiss the very autograph of love?

pictures in case you're bored.
i suppose each somehow is amusing to me.
take a gander if you'd like.










^So I pretty much would love to be like them (Jon & Kate). Maybe not the eight kids part, but their family is amazing.

^ Yes, I went there (:

^Marry me, Juliet you'll never have to be alone. I love you and that's all I really know.



well, i guess that's all for now.
though, the other day i saw a license plate that said 'OMGTHUD'.
quite fun stuff. (;

there's something about the way the street looks when it's just rained.

...there's a glow off the pavement, and he walks me to the car.
You know, I want to ask you to dance right there, in the middle of the parking lot. Yeah(:



well i did absolutely nothing today.
which is okay, because i don't think i can even handle walking with all that is on my mind.
seriously, it's not like it's anything that complicated... right?
well, it better not be.
but i'm not going to worry my small brain about that (;
in the words of shakespeare's macbeth, "what's done is done."


i reaaaaaaaaaaally want to go see Confessions of a Shopaholic next weekend.
that's so going to be my movie.
/my future if i'm not careful (;
"you speak finnish right? well, there's someone here i'd like you to meet."
"asdfghjkjhgfdfhfjgkhl (something in finnsh)"
"MEN LIKE YOU ARE THE REASON I LEFT FINLAND!"
hahah.

OMG. so i'm watching the news right now and they're saying...
CHRIS BROWN has canceled his performance at the grammys.
apparently, he's suspected of assaulting someone after a pre-grammy party last night.
according to entertainment weekly, chris brown and his girlfriend rihanna have both backed out of performing.
he got into arguing with some woman, and assaulted her.
...i'm really hoping that he didn't do that one.
i mean, i love his music, but it kind of sickens me that he would hurt another person.
please just let this lady be lying or something.
ughh.


i finally got my computer back today, because my mother decided she wanted to randomly wake me up, yelling something unintelligable at me while deciding to punish me for something i didn't even do.
thanks, mom.
people like you are the reason i hate life sometimes.
i mean, really?
do my parents not understand that yelling at me only makes me mad at them?
and makes me not want to listen more.
if they actually talked to me, not talked DOWN to me, maybe i'd listen more.
but no, of course not.
so i sat there feeling really alone staring out the window at the rain for some time.
and got over it.

my cats are lazy when it rains.
well, i am too.
i sat here with them watching tv in my parents room all day.
i watched hsm2 and camp rock again.
and the premiere of sonny with a chance.
it was a pretty okay show.
i decided i don't like demi lovato THAT much.
like, she's nice and all, but something about the way her personality is portrayed bugs me.
i really like selena gomez, though.
there was no phineas and ferb today :(
i watch too much disney channel for my own good.
but i have to keep some part of my childishness(:


i'm reading a book called 'The Mysterious Benedict Society'
No, it's not a society that likes benedict eggs.
those are gross anyways.
but it's about these really smart kids and a guy that is trying to take over the world.
they take a test that is quite interesting.
one of the questions on it is: "are you brave?"
as i was pondering the answer to this question, i found i didn't really know the answer.
bravery has never really been required of me, has it?
what constitutes being brave?
Finally, as i was reading along, Reinie, the main character, answered the question for me.
"I hope so."
Another one of the things was:
"What is wrong with this statement?"
"It's not a statement, it's a question."


Well, i'm sure I've about bored you to death by now, but i'm going to find another random thing to talk about considering i've got nothing else to do.
more rain is coming, apparently.
tues/wed is supposed to be nice, but then another storm rolls in. fun.
i don't mind it so much considering it's the weekend.
i just want it to clear up, because it's sort of a hinderance to be rained upon every time i walk out the door.
and my mom doesn't like us to go outside when it's raining, so i'm stuck inside, just itching to go outside.
i really have a longing to set up a tent in the backyard and sleep out there when it's raining.
i mean, doesn't that sound fun?
next time it's supposed to rain, i'm going to get people to come over and have a campout in the rain.
that's just how i roll (:



i don't think i could live without taylor swift's music.
it's so darn, catchy.
even the breakup songs make me want to dance around like a crazy person.
just buy her second CD. it's amaaazing.
you'll recognize my blog title when you do.

well i don't have anything else to say here.
goodbye for now. (:

sooooooooooooo;

i'll leave what i did today to the imagination.
those that should know, do.

anyways, i find that i'm going to remember today.
not just because it's my one year five month anniversary.
& i know it's going to be a crazy seventeenth month already...
but just because some things that ought to be remembered happened.
or things i'm never going to forget anyways.

i'm sure you're dying to know?
well, it's nice to want things.

when i was walking down the street, three cars honked at me.
i mean, people, this is cypress/la palma and guys are honking at me..?
ugh.
people need to have some class and not act like monkeys when they see a (cute?) fifteen year old girl walking down the street.
and also these three guys at carls jr.
i mean, i was ravenously hungry, and they had to go and ruin my appetite.
whaaaatever.
it's not like i care. thier piggishness is probably the reason they don't have girlfriends in the first place.

at least it didn't rain that much where i was.
now it can pour as i go to sleep, and then it will be pretty much the best day. (:

btw, isaac owes me uggs/emus.
don't ask. (;

superbowl number forty-three.

was today.
STEELERS JUST WON!
I was rooting for them, just because everyone else in my house was rooting for the Cardinals.
I just made some money (:

There's a few things I've been meaning to put into my blog these past few days.
Here goes.

First of all, there was a guy with pink sunglasses riding down the street past knotts, and Ali and I were walking by. He yelled "high five!", and without thinking, I high fived him as he rode by. It was one of those moments you just wish you had caught on camera.

Secondly, at Alex & Jessica's bday yesterday, Ali said something that was rather fetching for her pea-brain (;
Me: That guy would be cute... if he went to Oxford.
Ali: Oxford is like an enzyme school, it lowers the reaction energy needed for us to think a guy is cute.
Also, Ali and I dug ourselves a hole in the sand, and we sat in it and watched the sunset.
Our hole had cupholders, and a remote control. You're jealous.
When we came back from taking pictures at the lifeguard tower, Ali and I saw some people in our hole, and since it was dark, we didn't know it wasn't people we knew. So we started yelling, "Get out of our hole!" and I took a picture with a bright flash that almost stunned the poor kids in the hole. I feel bad now, but it was utterly hilarious at the time.

Third of all, there are a lot of 'that's what she said's' to be said when roasting marshmallows. And I make perfect un-burned smores! They're just melty enough.

At the bonfire, Ayesha dropped a flaming marshmallow on my foot and it kind of got a teensy bit burned. Fun stuff.

I beat Lauren O on how many goldfish I could throw and get into the fire. But only by a little, because i found some in the sand. (:

Ali is coming to stay for a little while tomorrow, too.
Hale tomorrow.
I'm ...looking forward to it?

All for now.
Hasta la vista.

you got me wondering why, why I like it rough.

so i can't exactly say i have a reason for posting, other than i really wanted to use that title there.
fun stuff.

anyways, if my grandma ever gets ahold of my mother then i'm going to the movies/knotts today.
but ugh, this is freaking annoying.

so finally my grandma agreed.
sheesh.

now i'm going to eat macaroni & cheese, watch tv, and go hit bp(:
fun stuff.
anywho, i found out our school library has books i actually want to read.
it's fantastic.
i'm currently on page 148 of the mysterious benedict society.
it's quite intriguing. and i only got it like, two days ago.

i think there should be an accent on the o in rubio.
i looked rubio up on facebook and like three of them had accents on the o.
so, you know what, pshh now mine does too. XD

well, like i said, this is a pointless post.

have fun with whatever you're doing on this day off.
...next semester i have hale.. >:/
good luck to all the sports teams today, let me know how you all do!

adios.

don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess.

I would really like to thank the person that decided all 9th graders should read Romeo & Juliet.
I have come to understand the play a great deal better than the story I originally thought it to be. Now I find that Romeo Montague was more of a normal teenage boy than I thought him to be, with his fickleness and frisky attitude. I finally realized he was grieving over Rosaline one morning, in love with Juliet that night, married to her the next morning, and in bed with her the same night. Honestly, I feel that boy almost took advantage of her young purity. She had said that marriage was a honor she didn't want. Well, Romeo, look what happens when you're only in love, well, with being in love.

Other than my analysis of the play, I really don't have much else to say here.
I've been thinking about the future quite a bit, and I really don't know how things are going to end up. It kind of scares me to think that I could lose just about everything I have right now in the blink of an eye. But of course, I'm not going to. The only reason I wish I lived in times of old would be to be able to get married at such a young age. But, now, I live in the USA, with boundless opportunities around me. I know I don't have to choose now, and I hope that I will never have to make a hard decision about what the future holds. That decision being the one between my love and my passion. Not that they can't be found together, but, I do want to become something with my life. Really, though, I don't want to prioritize one above the other, but it just... feels, right to put the first, well, first. Although I heard the same thing from the other side of the conversation. I understand that I'm important, but I don't want to get in the way of someone following their dreams. Living to their full potential as a human being.

Well, maybe the world will end in 2012 and I'll never have to decide.

I guess this has all come up because of the fact that there really isn't too much going on in my life at the moment. Please let something interesting come up, soon.

Free dress day tomorrow, off to pick out my outfit (:

the walls that they put up to hold us back fell down.

i've been thinking about everything lately.
i resolved yesterday to see something i don't normally see everyday,
to see things that i would normally pass by.

i guess i'm starting to realize i shouldn't waste this life,
that i should have fun in everything that i do.

so i told my dad i was thinking about joining softball.
you'd have thought it was his lifelong dream for me how quickly he jumped at it.
my old cleats are too small, so i have to get some new ones, and get the paperwork, etc.
i kind of wish i hadn't told him, seeing as he's going to make me go out on the weekends and work
rawrrr.
well, it's better than wishing i had joined, isn't it?

not too much to look forward to this week.
it's finals, so i'm going to need some good reading material for after the tests.
so recommend me some good books, please!

and the superbowl is coming.
i'm trying to figure out what i'm doing that weekend.
but i have plans friday and saturday, it seems.
and then ali gets to stay with me!
(:

welllllll, there is really not much else to say.
byebye!

there are those days where you don't want to wake up.

and then there are the days where you wish you never went to sleep in the first place.
i feel slightly sick today, and it's mostly because i had a horrible dream last night.
i don't want to recall all of the details of it, but it was mostly all of my life unraveling at the seams.
and then the person i love most dying at my fault, basically.
i woke up at two this morning, hoping that i never had to go back to sleep again.
so i'm very tired, but i don't think i'll ever want to sleep again.
funny how a dream (well, nightmare) can make your day horrid.
i guess i will try to forget about it.
and i will, eventually.

so i realized i'm quite a weird person.
i mean, i like watching phineas & ferb.
and i talk to my cats like they can actually understand what i am saying.
i've got a toy penguin that i treat like my baby.
and i have a grown mind, but a childish soul.
disneyland still makes me happy.
annnnnd so do you<3

i don't have much to say about today.
i'll get to homework sooner or later, and read most of the day.
i might write a story or something... (:

so winter formal was;

interesting to say the least.
it wasn't so much the dance itself, just the people.
not that i was really paying much attention to anyone but one person.
but this is the internet, and i'm not about to divulge all of the miniscule details of my partying to you.
especially if my mother happens to stumble across this one day or another.
but heck, i might as well say something besides 'formal was fun'.

buca di beppo was quite fun beforehand.
well, for my side of the table, at least (?)
ahh, well.
the dance itself was a bit of a blur from my standpoint.
alot of dancing, sweating, pained feet.
...and something else, too. but we'll save that one for another day.
i hope there are no horrible pictures of me circulating the internet.
i also found out a few things that i've been wanting to know.
afterwards, i went home with ali.
and we talked and vented of our night of tao.
i learned of an interesting bathroom conversation i oh-so wish i could have been involved in.
and now i know that i have to do something, after all.
i can't just sit there because this might actually end up affecting something someday.

well, dears, i have no further details of my night to tell, so this will be our parting.
and it's not 'sweet sorrow'.

it's two AM and i'm cursing your name.

today was... normal.
learned about the dangers of tobacco in health.
learned about directions in spanish, which i can't even do in english..
but i got a map of the whole district...
so now i get to stalk people! (:

i'm going to the homecoming game on friday!
and winter formal is rapidly approaching.
i still don't know what to do with my hair! (yikes.)
i know this weekend is going to be fantastic.
especially with ali, whom i seem to be moving in with. XD

i found a really interesting song called 'the way i loved you' by taylor swift.
that would have a good music video if she made one, which she should.

i'm watching phineas and ferb right now.
i love that show too much for a fifteen year old... (:

i want to ask you to dance right there, in the middle of the parking lot.

this entire blog basically refers to the same person.

so today was one of the best days i've had in a while.
despite the fact that i was dead beat.
and that my stomach has been hurting on and off all day.
but one class period made me more happy than any other has for awhile.

i hate to be the kind that attaches, because i know how annoying that can be.
but i can't help it with you.
i mean, just thinking about you makes me more happy than i can express.
...let alone even imagining spending the rest of my life with you.
i'm going to stop before i get too ahead of myself.

i'm starting to realize that i'm more like bella than i originally thought.
and i did compare you to edward before you ever told me those things, but i see the resemblance even more now.
he's perfect, is he not? (;
& you are too.
what a coincidence.

i came up with a good---no PERFECT---idea for the POP show.
buuuuut i still haven't decided if i want to put it into effect.
the guy in question probably won't agree.
and i know when you read this you're going to ask me what it is...
so go ahead, you know you want to (:

going back to how my day was amazing, mr morris was a face i haven't seen in awhile.
he didn't tell us about happytown.
i guess he thinks we're too old.. ?
i enjoy sitting in choir watching movies.
it always turns out so fantastically well for me.

i'm so tired, i'll go to sleep now.
goodnight all who bothered to read this.
goodnight to you, the person i love most in this world.

quite a night.

i just can't put my finger on it.
honestly, it's like i've got peanut butter and jelly, and something's missing.
obviously it has to be a huge component, considering pb & j only has three things in it.
but alas, i have no idea.

well, i'm not going to soulsearch or anything.
that gets me absolutely nowhere.

so today i rode bikes with ali to school and back.
fun stuff.
albertaco's fries with cheese and guacamole are delicious.

i had to babysit four lovely children today when my mom went to the mall with her friend.
actually, i wish you could have seen it.
my mom's friend has two girls about the ages of my two brothers.
it was AMAZING to see them acting all gentlemen-ly toward them.
and it was the most aww-worthy thing i've seen in awhile.
my little brother, payne, was asking sarah if he could get her a pop-tart and water.
i was sitting on the couch watching phineas and ferb with them.
my other little brother, koby, was playing wii with catherine in his room, and SHARING.
the way they were being all adorable made me wish someone was there too. (:

i'm going through an interesting stage right now.
i don't get it.
oh, and don't get on my nerves.
i might bite your face off or something.

i could do without so many people right now.
time to go finish watching the season premeire of SLOTAT i recorded.

back to school tomorrow.

i'm not dreading it.
actually, i'd like to see all my friends again!

i finished all my homework.
and now i'm attempting to kill time before i have to go to sleep.

i went to the mall today.
i think i've gone to the mall 11ish days this break.
I SWEAR.

i really don't have much to say right now, other than the fact that i just ate dinner.
and had ice cream.
it was disgusting when my brother spit spaghetti all over the kitchen. ewwy ><

you know what else is gross..?
MY MOM HAVING A FACEBOOK.
yeah. a w k w a r d.
so if i am your friend on facebook, talk to me in messages from now on, and not wall comments.

i have my entire outfit for formal now.
accessories and all!
so i have nothing to worry about except how to do my hair.

i really want to read Inkdeath, because I never got to before (kind of forgot about the series.)
I must go buy it now!
but then again i probably should reread Inkheart and Inkspell.
I'm probably going to reread Eragon and Eldest, considering I haven't read Brisingr yet.
I'm so behind.
I blame the Twilight books.
But I'm desperate for new/good reading material...
because you know i'm a fiend(:
so talk to me if you know some i should read.

other than that, i've got nothing to say.
although i did have another good dream.
not as good as the others though(;
ahh, well, maybe better ones tonight?
i hope so(:

two-thousand nine (:

i can't believe it's here already.
last year seemingly flew by.
dazzling, isn't it?
(just like edward cullen.)

well, this year i'm going to make mistakes, because i'm only human.
but i'm going to try my hardest not to make any concious ones this year.
i can't do that to anyone again.

anyways, i saw seven pounds.
i really want to ruin it for you right now.
but i'm not going to because someone might chew my head off.
let me just say that i cried twice.
i started crying, went "crap, i don't want anyone to see!" and wiped the tears away.
then i realized everything that happened, and tears came... again.
man, that movie... is amazing.

one movie not to see, though...
Changeling.
Well, it's a great movie when you think of plot and such things, but i hate what the premise is.
another movie that i really want to ruin for you, but i'm not going to.
it just hits my soft spot with little children in this one.
insanity, i tell you.

i also saw the movie Wanted.
wow, there are some sexual scenes in the beginning of that movie.
...yeah.
not any really good effects.. it was ehh.

well, i spent my new years eve at ali's uncle's house.
quite interesting night of NO SLEEP.
I stayed up about 27 hours before i got any sleep at all.
then we crashed.
when we got up, we were like, "WHY THE HECK did we do that..?!"

my new years day was spent.. not sleeping.
i stayed up all night, and then apparently--acc. to vince, there was an ECLIPSE at four in the morning.
dumbass, the moon MOVES.
hahahah.
then there was ozzy impersonating, and starbucks to wake me up.
caffiene is my savior.

i got another formal dress today.
i quite like it, considering it goes with all the accesories i just bought.
my goodness, i've been to the mall SO much over this break.
even more than my usual.
and i'm going to go to cabazon tomorrow.
in search of a tie, and whatever else i feel like getting.

i had another fantastic dream, about the same premise as before.
i miss chris so much, i have to dream everynight.
only the cats walked across me just at the BEST part of the dream was about to happen (;
arghhhhh.
well, at least i still have my imagination.

as far as new years resolutions go, i just want to be nicer, and appreciate more of what i have.
(both physically and emotionally.)
i would like to not be as dramatic, too.
the other resolutions are already known by the person it involves, so they need not be discussed here.

i'm going to write a 109 in 2009(of things i want to accomplish this year), just for the heck of it.
1. buy a mannequin
2. ride silver bullet twenty times in one visit to knotts
3. go to a fashion show
4. 'dazzle' someone
5. not waste money on something i don't need, and will never use.
6. pass all my classes.
7. write a blog that doesn't confuse everyone.
8. learn how to meditate
9. read... thirty books.
10. start a journal
11. get better at singing.
12. ...and dancing.
13. get chris to dance with me. (;
14. donate to charity.
15. buy the office seasons on dvd.
16. make a dress all by myself.
17. and then wear it somewhere.
18. give my parents a random gift just because.
19.don't drink soda for a week.
20. learn five new cooking skills.
21. memorize how to make five different dishes.
22.straighten my hair once in a while
23. make stuffed animals
24. go running for no reason
25. be spontaneous.
26. find a great way to ask chris to sadies. (:
27. put my trust in someone.
28.keep my locker organized
29. watch my favorite disney movies again.
30. organize my thoughts.
31. be able to part with my edward cullen poster
32. grow up.
33. ...but be childish sometimes.
34. love like i never have before.
35. do something that i never thought i would.
36. don't take crap from anyone.
37. take down my facade
38. learn how to count to ten in ten different languages.
39. lose my gringa accent.
40. live each day to it's potential.
41. walk perfectly in killer high heels.
42. buy an outfit i look perfect in.
43. get a favorite song.
44. don't break my phone.
45. go one day without wanting to punch someone in the face.
46. have random acts of kindness everyday.
47. get a puppy.
48. do someone a huge favor.
49. get out of the country.
50. make no enemies
51. have a lord of the rings marathon.
52. ...and a star wars.
53. and a harry potter.
54. watch the season premiere of SLOTAT.
55. get a DVR
56. have a party.
57. get my new years kiss next year.
58. learn to drive.
59. get my license
60. turn sixteen in style.
61. learn how to read people better.
62. become more educated on cheeses and their uses in cooking. XD
63. learn some poledancing moves.
64. have a dream that tops my last great one.
65. then have it come true.
66. feel like a princess for a day.
67. not say that i am fat.
68. perfect my use of chopsticks.
69. <---that number right there.
70. try some new foods.
71. ...try fish, sushi, etc. to make sure i'm not missing out.
72. don't SUBMIT to anyone.
73. find the most awesome birthday presents for everyone.
74. cook for my family more.
75. keep my room clean.
76. make my bed. everyday.
77. go to a spa.
78. learn a song on the piano.
79. learn La La Land by Demi Lovato!
80. find a song that describes me perfectly.
81. ..and scream it in the middle of the street.
82. make a mixed CD of all the songs i love.
83. appreciate a new style of music.
84. appreciate life in general.
85. appreciate the best guy that has ever come into my life <3
86. buy the 'Hello, Cupcake!" book. i must have it.
87. get a few other cookbooks for reference.
88. try half of the recipies in my 3o minute meals cookbook.
89. go to bed at a decent hour.
90. no alcohol.
91. no drugs.
92. dance like nobody's watching, or like there's no tomorrow.
93. perfect my british accent.
94. try a mango.
95. eat more kiwi fruit.
96. make crepes.
97. find out what the heck makes a frappe.
98. make a better smoothie than jamba juice can.
99. don't be physically abusive toward people.
100. paint a picture.
101. paint my walls.
102. be proud of my beach body.
103. figure out what to do with my life.
104. learn how to sing opera.
105. learn a mariachi song for my grandma.
106. go through my clothes and donate some to charity.
107. spend time with chris over the summer.
108. get better at math.
109. survive through the year.

finally, i'd just like to say that i am starting to learn.
learn that i am an idiot sometimes.
and that there's so much I, myself can do to change the circumstances.

here's to a new year filled with peace, happiness, insane sanity, freedom, cute clothes, smiles, friends, kisses, hugs, dancing, singing, loving, and living.