it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone.

I was there when you said forever and always.

So today I am in two forms of pain.
Physical and mental.
You probably think I'm weak from succumbing to the mental pain and crying.
But I don't cry for just anything, and it's usually not when I'm sad.
I'm frustrated, and that's when the tears tend to roll.
I'm frustrated with you and your 'games'.
And I only use that word because you said it.
However, I don't want to talk about this anymore.
I hate crying in front of people. I try to suck it up.
I guess that's something I'm getting better at.
Holding emotion in, I mean.

Though, it isn't something I wanted to happen.
Thanks for the adjustment I didn't want.
But I have no choice but to, or to weather the constant 'are you okay's?'
OF COURSE I AM NOT OKAY.
I don't look okay, therefore I am obviously not fine.

Whatever, I'm sucking it up.
So what if I'm bitter?
It comes with the package of me growing up and getting over things.
Though I don't see how it could be the same after this.
Ever.

I'm willing to try still, but I've lost everything I had for me, pushing me forward.
Yet I'm still trying.
Seems hopeless. Perilous and wasteful for me, even.
Heck, I never listened to anyone anyway.
Here's to doing my own thing.
Which, in fact, is incredibly lonely, in case you care.
I doubt you do.
I doubt you care I'm even posting this.
Or you think it's childish.
But this is what I want to do.
I see everyone who is happy now, and I think that it can't possibly be so.
Hopefully this phase of blatant cynicism for life will pass.
I don't have anyone to talk to anymore but you, blog.

On to other aspects of today before I bash in the computer.

I had to get three shots, as well as the up the nose h1n1, which I pray will not make me sick. I don't need that on top of everything else.
My arms kill.

By the way, today is TWLOHA day. So, write love on your arms to show all those ex-cutters you care. Show me you care.


I don't know what else to say that won't sound like I'm mentally ill, crazy, cynical, ashamed, or confused, so I will just end this with a not so grand huzzah.